A do-over...

Do you ever go through hard times or a trial- and you look back at how you dealt with it and just know you failed? Like you could have taken that hard time or trial to grow- and you just didn't? Well if you haven't guessed it already, I have. I look back at some things we have dealt with in the past few years and think, man I wish that I had trusted God through that! I mean, honestly?!? I know God isn't going to fail me. I knew that the hard things we were experiencing were going to eventually work out. But instead of taking the opportunity to trust and grow my faith, I just didn't. I may have let God have that problem (so to speak), but then when things didn't work out the way I thought they were going to or the way I wanted them to, I let God  know that I would take that problem back and deal with it myself. Because clearly I could figure it out on my own... As you can guess, that didn't work out so well for me.

The funny thing is that some of you have heard me speak, over the last year especially, that I trust God. And really, I do. But it's so much easier to say those words then actually live it out. I still try to do things on my own, and that just drives me crazy. I know that God is at work- even when I can't see it or understand it. I need to remember that He is for me. That God wants the best for me- and His best for me may be completely different then what I think is the best for me.

Our last year in California was hard. I was not in a good place emotionally or spiritually. I was in the desert. (And that is another post entirely!) When we moved to Colorado, I looked back and thought, "Man, I totally blew it with how I responded to that situation. What did I miss out on because of how I responded? I wish I could have a do-over and do things differently- and just TRUST GOD!" And guess what? That next time came within just a few months; I had a chance for a do-over! And you know what? I blew it AGAIN! Talk about short term memory.

So fast forward to today. Again I find myself in a season where I need to have faith, pull up my boot straps and TRUST. And again, I find myself floundering. I ping pong between trust and doubt. Knowing that we will get through this and wanting to throw up my hands and give up. And this time I so badly want to get it. I want to learn everything I can from this season in our lives. I don't want to doubt. I don't want to take it back from God and try to do it on my own. I don't want to fail. I want to learn everything I can and everything that God wants to teach me right now. I want to grow. But man, it can be hard! This song needs to be on repeat in my house right now- I love the truth that is speaks.

Will you pray for me? Pray that God would clearly show Himself to me. That I would seek Him and His will out like never before. That I would learn to just trust Him and rest in Him. That I would give my problems to Him and leave them there- and not try to snatch them back. And that I would remember that even when things don't make sense that He is for me.